What to Do When You Don’t Like Your Teen’s Significant Other

Apr 15

Written By Dr. Zairys Feliz, Ph.D., LCSW

It’s a scenario every parent dreads. Your teen has started dating (which isn’t the easiest thing to accept in itself) and you find their boyfriend or girlfriend unsatisfactory. There are a million reasons you might disapprove - maybe you think they’re rude, unfriendly, too friendly, unmotivated, a try-hard, or a bad influence.

In any case, sharing your true feelings about your teen’s partner is tricky. Rejecting their new partner may lead to fights. If you say nothing, your child might go down a different path than you intended for them - or worse.

It’s a delicate situation. Here’s how to handle it.

Practice Introspection

Before you take action, it’s important to understand your emotions. This can be difficult. You’ll need to be honest with yourself and ask some hard questions.

Consider the following:

● Why don’t you like your teen’s partner?

● What traits are you noticing?

● What events have occurred that made you uncomfortable?

● Is your dislike driven by any unfair prejudices, like racism, homophobia, biphobia, transphobia, or religious beliefs?

● Is your concern related to your teen’s safety and well-being, or is it related to your own biases?

This step is important. If your negative feelings toward your teen’s partner relate to prejudice, this might be an opportunity for you to engage in some self-work. If you express concern about your teen’s partner for reasons aside from their well-being, it can lead to mistrust and your teen may decide to hide details about the relationship from you. You must understand your own feelings and intentions before bringing them to your teen for the best outcome.

Learn the Positives

Get a well-rounded understanding of your teen’s partner. Consider asking your teen:

● How did you meet your partner?

● How long have you been dating?

● How did you know that you wanted to be with your partner?

● What do you two enjoy doing together?

● Tell me about your partner - what do they spend their time doing?

● What do you like about your partner?

● What are some things that your partner does that make you happy?

● How does your partner make you feel safe?

These questions can show your teen that you are a safe space to discuss relationships. Try to be open-minded and focus more on learning about your teen and their partner rather than adding in your own thoughts at this stage. The questions may help you learn to like your teen’s partner more. Alternatively, they may even make your teen begin questioning the relationship for themselves.

Meet and Take the Initiative

Many parents dislike their teen’s partner without really getting to know them (or sometimes even meeting them). As the adult in this situation, it’s your responsibility to take the lead and make sure a meeting happens. This also allows you to get to know them before making judgments.

Invite them over for a dinner or family outing. Ask them questions and get to know them. Observe how they treat your teen and how the two interact. This is also an opportunity to build your relationship with your teen and show them that you’re open-minded about their new partner.

Consider the Realities

As you go through this process and consider approaching your teen about their partner, it’s important to remember that most teenage relationships end. Both parties are going through massive growth and change. Their interests are shaping and they’re meeting new people. They may be off to college soon.

Your teen is in a transitionary time in their life. The relationship may naturally end without your input. If your concerns about the partner aren’t serious and your teen isn’t in danger, it may be worth it to ride the relationship out and let your teen figure it out on their own.

Talk to Your Teen

There are plenty of scenarios in which it makes sense to approach your teen about your disapproval of their partner. They may be negatively influencing your teen and causing them to skip school or drop hobbies. The relationship may be toxic or even abusive.

Start with an unoppressive approach. Don’t offer hasty, unsolicited advice. Instead, gently mention your concerns. Recognize the positives of the relationship and acknowledge that your teen’s feelings are genuine - then mention the traits you find troubling and why. Ask whether your teen has noticed these traits. Have they considered how they will affect them long-term? Ask whether they feel comfortable living that way - put the ball in their court. They’re in control.

After the initial conversation, give them space. Don’t push the subject. Don’t make threats or ultimatums, as these actions are controlling and can break trust with your teen rather than help the situation. Just floating these ideas is important to get them thinking about whether it’s the right relationship.

This doesn’t mean you can’t (or shouldn’t) check in on how your teen is feeling about the relationship. In normal conversation, you ask about school, work, friends, and hobbies. You can ask about the relationship, too. Ask casual questions (what are you two up to this weekend?) and more serious ones (are you still feeling happy in the relationship?). Keep communication open so you can support them if and when they decide to end the relationship.

Know When to Interfere

Talk to your teen about sex, control, violence, and abuse. Be open and encourage conversation. If you’re concerned that your teen is being abused, it’s time to intervene.

Reinstate that your teen deserves respect and love, and that abuse does not allow for that. Offer guidance on how to exit the relationship safely. If the partner won’t leave your teen alone, it may be time to contact school counselors or police to take further action.

If you are struggling to deal with this situation on your own, a therapist can help. Whether you need assistance in spotting the signs of abuse, talking to your teen, or questioning your own prejudices, Bloom Therapy has trained psychotherapists who specialize in family and relationship issues. Find out more about our services and book a free 15-minute consultation today.

Resources:

Dr. Zairys Feliz, Ph.D., LCSW is a clinical psychotherapist. Zairys provides individual, couples and sex therapy using evidence-based approaches. She specializes in treating individuals and couples who have relationship or sexual concerns. Read full bio

Dr. Zairys Feliz, Ph.D., LCSW http://www.bloomtherapy.online