Family Dynamics: How Boundaries Determine Relationships and What to Do About It
Family members depend on each other for physical, emotional, and financial support. Over time, family members develop an overall dynamic - that is, the relationships, roles, and boundaries that shape their interactions.
The family dynamic determines how each family functions as a unit. Some families have an enmeshed system, meaning that family members each have minimal independence. On the other end of the spectrum are rigid family systems, in which there are many boundaries that limit communication, making members feel isolated and separate from the family unit.
Whether you have an enmeshed and rigid family system, if you’re a part of one of these types of families, you’ll likely feel unbalanced and experience issues with other members. Read on to learn more about how this can affect your relationships and how to improve the dynamic.
Understanding Family Dynamics
According to Salvador Minuchin’s structural family therapy, which focuses on how families interact within their ranks, each family is its own system. The system runs according to a set of rules which determine how the family functions from day to day.
Without proper attention and care, unhealthy family dynamics can emerge. There may be sibling rivalries, grudges, and estrangement. There can be a lack of unity, independence, empathy, or boundaries.
Boundaries are critical for creating a stable family dynamic and addressing the other issues listed above, like unity and independence. Whether emotional or physical, boundaries allow each family member a right to their values, opinions, belongings, and privacy. Boundaries help people feel safe and respected, allowing healthy relationships to form.
The Enmeshed Family System
Enmeshment can occur for a variety of reasons. It can form simply because of the parent-child relationship: The parent must care for the child’s every need and make all decisions for the child until they’re old enough to do so for themselves. As the child ages and gains their agency over themselves, it can be difficult for the parent to relinquish control and teach the child to create boundaries.
Enmeshment can also occur when there is some sort of illness, addiction, or trauma that requires one family member to step up and care for another. For example, an addict’s child may learn to play the role of caregiver. It’s also worth noting that enmeshment is often a generational pattern - people typically form the same family dynamics they grew up with.
In this family structure, each member’s emotional state depends on the others’. While it can be a good thing to feel close to your family, enmeshment creates a codependence that doesn’t allow each family member to become an individual. This can continue into adulthood, leading to enmeshed boundaries between adult children and parents.
Signs of Enmeshment
Here are some signs that you may be in an enmeshed family:
● Your family members feel like they have the right to know everything about your life.
● You lack a strong sense of self.
● You feel responsible for your family member’s sense of happiness.
● You feel guilty if you want less contact with your family members.
● Emotional and physical boundaries are not respected within your family.
● Your family members’ lives seem to revolve around yours or vice versa.
The Rigid Family System
While enmeshed families feel extremely close, rigid families can feel especially disengaged, indifferent, unsupportive, and cold. As with enmeshed family systems, rigidity is often passed down from generation to generation. It can appear as authoritarian or helicopter parenting.
Parents often set rigid boundaries in an effort to protect their children - they aim to control their children to ensure positive outcomes. However, this parenting style stops children from learning through failure. It frequently leads to excessive criticism and a lack of affirmation.
In this family dynamic, there are many strong boundaries. These boundaries are overly strict, leading to a lack of communication and a missing sense of unity. Family members tend to feel isolated.
Signs of Rigidity
Here are some signs that you may be in a rigid family:
● You fear failure and avoid taking risks.
● Your family lacks physical touch or affection.
● Your family members tend to point out your flaws.
● You feel like there are extremely high expectations of you that you struggle to meet.
● You feel like your self-worth is tied to your performance at school and work.
● You feel like you can’t speak openly with your family.
Creating a Healthy Family Dynamic
Each family must decide what is right for them. However, those with the strongest and healthiest relationships typically have robust boundaries that allow for individual growth as well as a healthy level of dependence.
Boundaries can help set clear expectations between family members, determining what is acceptable between members and what isn’t. They allow children to create their own values, goals, interests, personalities, and goals. Meanwhile, boundaries can also ensure that they can turn to their parents for support and guidance when necessary.
To create a stronger family dynamic within your own family, take some time to identify what each family member needs and begin setting boundaries around those needs. Boundaries can include physical limitations (like setting personal space and privacy expectations) and emotional limitations (like affirming your right to say no). These boundaries can give you the space to create a sense of self. Who are you apart from your family? What are your values and interests?
This process is far easier said than done. Some family members may struggle to accept your boundaries. You may feel guilty or selfish for separating yourself from the family.
Speaking with a therapist during this time can help you get the support you need to break through enmeshment or rigidity. A licensed therapist from Bloom Practice can help. Find a therapist and schedule a session today to get started.
Sources
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapy-types/structural-family-therapy
https://www.allpsychologycareers.com/therapy/family-systems-therapy/
https://www.ipl.org/essay/Salvador-Minuchins-Approach-To-Structural-Family-Therapy-FKAHJRHEACFR
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/how-help-friend/201604/how-create-set-family-boundaries
Dr. Zairys Feliz, Ph.D., LCSW is a clinical psychotherapist. Zairys provides individual, couples and sex therapy using evidence-based approaches. She specializes in treating individuals and couples who have relationship or sexual concerns. Read full bio