How Extreme Humility Can Cause Low Self-Esteem

Humility is often praised as a virtue, a trait that fosters empathy, kindness, and collaboration. It allows individuals to acknowledge their flaws and show respect for others. However, “extreme humility”, or the overemphasis on putting others before oneself, can sometimes have unintended consequences. While humility is a cornerstone of emotional intelligence and healthy relationships, when taken too far, it can contribute to “low self-esteem”, feelings of worthlessness, and even burnout.

In this blog post, we’ll explore how extreme humility can be harmful to self-worth, and provide insight on how to find a balance between humility and self-empowerment.

What Is Humility?

Humility is often described as the quality of being modest or having a low view of one’s importance. In its healthiest form, humility involves a “realistic understanding of one’s strengths and weaknesses”, and a recognition that we are all interconnected and valuable. Humility encourages gratitude, respect for others, and a willingness to learn.

However, when humility goes beyond a healthy acknowledgment of limitations and veers into excessive self-sacrifice or self-neglect, it can become problematic.

How Extreme Humility Affects Self-Esteem

While “healthy humility” can foster strong interpersonal connections, “extreme humility” can lead to the neglection of one’s needs, feelings, and self-worth. Here are some key ways extreme humility can harm self-esteem:

1. Diminishing Self-Value

People who practice extreme humility often downplay their own achievements, talents, and worth. They may avoid recognition or praise, believing that to accept compliments or accolades is arrogant or undeserved. Over time, this pattern can lead to feelings of inadequacy and “low self-worth”.

When someone constantly denies their own value, they start internalizing a sense of being unimportant or undeserving. This negative self-talk reinforces the idea that they have nothing special to offer and that their needs and desires are secondary to those of others.

Example:

“Sarah constantly brushes off compliments at work, attributing her successes to luck or the help of others, rather than recognizing her own hard work. Over time, she begins to feel like an imposter, convinced that her abilities aren’t really worth celebrating.”

2. Inability to Set Healthy Boundaries

Extreme humility can cause people to prioritize others' needs above their own to such an extent that they neglect to establish necessary boundaries. People with low self-esteem may feel guilty or selfish for asserting their needs, leading to burnout or resentment. They may sacrifice their time, energy, and emotional well-being for the sake of others, yet never feel that their sacrifices are appreciated or reciprocated.

Example:

“John always agrees to help his coworkers, even when it stretches his capacity. He never says no because he doesn’t want to seem selfish or unhelpful. Eventually, he starts to feel exhausted, unappreciated, and resentful, even though he continues to serve others.”

3. Fear of Conflict and Rejection

In some cases, extreme humility can manifest as a “fear of confrontation” or a reluctance to assert one’s own opinions and desires. People who are excessively humble may avoid conflict to maintain harmony, even at the cost of their own needs or desires. This can result in a pattern of “people-pleasing”, where individuals suppress their own feelings to make others happy, leading to a deep sense of disconnection from their true selves.

This avoidance of conflict can reinforce the belief that one's own thoughts, feelings, or perspectives aren’t valuable enough to be voiced.

Example:

“Lily always agrees with her friends, even when she disagrees, because she’s afraid of rocking the boat. She never expresses her true opinions, fearing that they’ll be rejected. This leaves her feeling invisible and disconnected from her authentic self.”

4. Lack of Self-Care

When someone is constantly putting others first, they often neglect their own well-being—whether it’s physical, emotional, or mental health. Extreme humility can manifest as a lack of self-care, where individuals feel they don’t deserve time for rest or personal enrichment.

This tendency to neglect one’s own needs can leave a person feeling depleted and “burned out”, leading to diminished self-esteem and an inability to recognize their own worth.

Example:

“Alex spends every evening helping others with their problems, even if he’s tired and stressed from his own day. He convinces himself that he doesn’t need rest or relaxation because helping others is more important. Eventually, he feels overwhelmed and disconnected from his own life.”

Why Extreme Humility Leads to Low Self-Esteem

“Extreme humility” isn’t inherently negative; it becomes harmful when it’s driven by an “underlying fear” of appearing arrogant or unworthy. People who excessively downplay their strengths may be driven by feelings of “shame”, “guilt”, or “fear of judgment”. Over time, this self-neglect reinforces negative beliefs about their value.

Moreover, “societal and cultural expectations” can exacerbate the problem. In cultures where humility is highly valued, individuals may feel pressured to suppress their own needs in order to conform to these expectations. As a result, they may feel guilty for taking care of themselves or asserting their value.

Finding the Balance: How to Practice Healthy Humility

The key to balancing humility with self-worth is “recognizing that humility is not about diminishing your value”, but rather about recognizing and honoring both your strengths and limitations. Here are some tips for cultivating healthy humility while maintaining strong self-esteem:

1. Recognize Your Strengths and Achievements

Practice acknowledging and celebrating your own successes. Give yourself credit for the things you’ve worked hard for, whether it’s a professional accomplishment or a personal milestone. “Self-recognition” is not arrogance—it’s an important part of maintaining healthy self-esteem.

2. Learn to Set Boundaries

It’s okay to say no when you’re stretched too thin or when someone asks something of you that goes beyond your limits. Boundaries are essential for maintaining emotional well-being and protecting your energy. Setting boundaries allows you to show up for others without neglecting yourself.

3. Affirm Your Self-Worth

Cultivate a habit of self-affirmation. Remind yourself daily that you are worthy of love, respect, and kindness. You don’t need to shrink yourself in order to make space for others—your needs are just as important as anyone else’s.

4. Allow Yourself to Be Seen

Accept praise and compliments with grace. When someone acknowledges your strengths, allow yourself to accept the compliment without diminishing it. Recognize that you are deserving of appreciation and acknowledgment.

5. Prioritize Self-Care

Take time each day to care for your emotional, mental, and physical health. This may include setting aside time for rest, practicing mindfulness, engaging in activities that bring you joy, or seeking support when needed. “Self-care” is not selfish; it’s essential for maintaining balance and well-being.

Conclusion: Striking a Healthy Balance

Humility is a beautiful quality that fosters empathy, connection, and respect for others. However, when taken to an extreme, it can erode self-esteem and lead to feelings of worthlessness, burnout, and emotional exhaustion. Striking a balance between humility and self-recognition is key to nurturing a healthy sense of self-worth.

If you find that your humility is causing you to neglect your own needs or if you struggle with feelings of low self-esteem, Bloom Practice’s trained therapist can help. They offer unbiased, professional guidance and can assist you in navigating these complex emotions and building healthier patterns of self-worth. Request a session with one of our therapists today to explore how you can nurture both your humility and your self-esteem.

References:

- Gilbert, P. (2009). “The Compassionate Mind: A New Approach to Life's Challenges”. New Harbinger Publications.

- Neff, K. D. (2011). “Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself”. William Morrow.

- Taylor, S. E., & Brown, J. D. (1988). Illusions and well-being: A social psychological perspective on mental health. “Psychological Bulletin”, 103(2), 193-210.