Why Intimacy with a Toxic Partner Sometimes Feels So Good

Intimacy is one of the most deeply fulfilling aspects of a relationship. It connects us with another person on an emotional, physical, and psychological level. But what happens when that intimacy is with a toxic partner—someone whose behaviors are harmful or manipulative?

You may have found yourself in a situation where, despite the toxicity in the relationship, the intimacy still feels incredible—perhaps even addictive. It can leave you feeling confused, torn, or guilty. Why does intimacy with someone who is emotionally or verbally abusive sometimes feel so good, and why is it so hard to break free from this pattern?

In this post, we’ll explore the complex dynamics that make intimacy with a toxic partner seem so appealing and why it can be difficult to let go. Understanding these dynamics is an important first step toward reclaiming your emotional health and breaking free from unhealthy patterns.

1. The Cycle of Reinforcement: Love and Hurt Intertwined

One reason intimacy with a toxic partner feels so compelling is due to the cyclical nature of abuse—often referred to as the cycle of abuse. This cycle consists of phases: tension-building, incident, reconciliation (or the "honeymoon phase"), and calm. During the honeymoon phase, toxic partners often show extreme affection, charm, and intimacy, which can create a strong emotional bond.

When the abusive behavior begins, it can feel like a betrayal, but this cycle of love, conflict, and reconciliation is what makes the intimacy feel so intense. After a period of tension or conflict, the emotional highs during reconciliation can feel like a release, making the intimacy feel more satisfying or meaningful than it might in a more stable relationship. The contrast between love and hurt creates a rush of emotions that can be mistaken for genuine passion.

Action Step:

Recognize this cycle when it occurs. Acknowledge that the emotional highs are a direct result of conflict and manipulation. Understanding this can help break the cycle and prevent you from confusing love with emotional instability.

2. The Desire for Validation and Intimacy

In toxic relationships, many individuals feel “emotionally starved”—whether because their partner is withholding affection, being emotionally distant, or gaslighting them. When intimacy finally occurs, it feels like a reward, a rare moment of connection. This desire for validation can be so strong that the act of intimacy, even in a dysfunctional relationship, becomes a way to "prove" worth, get validation, or experience the love that has been lacking in other areas.

Toxic partners often use affection as a tool of control. When they show affection or intimacy, it can feel like you’re finally receiving the validation and love you’ve been craving. These moments can be so powerful that they feel incredibly gratifying, masking the emotional harm that has come before.

Action Step:

Take a moment to reflect on your emotional needs and how they are being met (or not) in the relationship. Are you seeking validation from your partner to feel worthy or loved? Healthy intimacy is built on mutual respect, trust, and affection—not manipulation or power struggles.

3. The Illusion of Emotional Connection

One of the most confusing aspects of intimacy with a toxic partner is the illusion of connection it creates. During moments of affection or closeness, it can feel like the toxic partner is really seeing you, loving you, or being truly intimate. This illusion of a deep connection is often reinforced by their charm and emotional highs, which can feel real and deep, especially when contrasted with their emotional unavailability or harshness.

This false sense of connection can make the intimacy feel fulfilling, even though it’s based on instability and emotional manipulation. Toxic partners can make you feel like you’re special during moments of intimacy, only to pull away and reintroduce emotional harm shortly after.

Action Step:

Focus on the consistency of the relationship rather than just the emotional highs. A healthy connection is sustained over time with mutual respect, communication, and trust—not just sporadic moments of affection.

4. The Chemical High: Attachment and Hormonal Responses

When we experience physical intimacy, our bodies release chemicals like oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin—often referred to as "feel-good" hormones. These chemicals help create feelings of bonding, pleasure, and happiness. In a toxic relationship, even if the emotional foundation is unstable, the physical act of intimacy can trigger a chemical reaction in the brain, making us feel euphoric or deeply connected.

For individuals in toxic relationships, this hormonal "high" can be addictive, creating an attachment that overrides the negative aspects of the relationship. This can make it harder to break free, as your brain begins to associate intimacy with pleasure and bonding, rather than toxicity.

Action Step:

Pay attention to the physical and emotional aftermath of intimacy. Do you feel truly connected, or are you left feeling empty or confused afterward? Healthy relationships leave you feeling whole, not drained or conflicted.

5. The Need to Fix or Rescue

Many people in toxic relationships hold onto the hope that they can fix their partner or that the relationship will eventually become healthier. This is often driven by a need to feel needed or to be the one who saves the relationship. In these cases, intimacy may feel like a temporary validation of your efforts.

However, it’s essential to recognize that no amount of intimacy or affection can "fix" toxic behavior. Intimacy, in these situations, becomes a brief respite in a sea of dysfunction, and this emotional push-pull can keep you hooked on the relationship.

Action Step:

Challenge the belief that you can save your partner or fix the relationship. Reflect on the dynamics of the relationship and ask yourself if you're staying for the right reasons. True intimacy is built on mutual growth, not sacrifice and emotional labor alone.

6. Why It's So Hard to Let Go

Despite the obvious toxicity, ending the relationship can feel incredibly difficult, especially when intimacy feels so good in the moment. The highs and lows, the emotional push and pull, create an attachment that can be hard to break. Fear of abandonment and trauma bonding can play significant roles in making it difficult to leave.

Action Step:

Seek therapy or support from trusted friends or family members to help you untangle the complex emotions that keep you attached to a toxic partner. Understanding the role that fear or attachment plays can help you make healthier decisions moving forward.

Conclusion: The Path to Healthier Intimacy

Intimacy in a toxic relationship can feel deeply satisfying in the short term but ultimately leaves you emotionally drained, confused, or stuck. The key to breaking free is to recognize the cycle of manipulation and the unhealthy patterns that fuel it. Healthy, genuine intimacy is built on respect, trust, and consistent affection—not on the emotional volatility or manipulation that often marks toxic relationships.

If you find yourself caught in a cycle of toxic intimacy, Bloom Practice’s trained therapists can offer an unbiased, professional opinion. They can help you navigate the complexities of toxic relationships, regain emotional clarity, and work toward healthier, more fulfilling connections. Request a session with one of our therapists today.

References:

- Lammers, J., Stoker, J. I., Jordan, J., Pollmann, M., & Galinsky, A. D. (2011). Power Increases Infidelity Among Men and Women. “Psychological Science”, 22(9), 1191-1197.

- Dutton, D. G., & Painter, S. L. (1981). Psychological Effects of Battering on Women. “American Journal of Orthopsychiatry”, 51(4), 510-518.

- Brown, L. S. (2017). “The Gendered Society Reader”. Oxford University Press.

- Walker, L. E. (2017). “The Battered Woman Syndrome”. Springer Publishing Company.