5 Tips for Speaking with Your Teen So They Actually Listen
Everyone goes through those tough teenage years. It’s fair to say that you understand what it’s like to deal with the physical and emotional changes that happen during that transitional period.
Still, as an adult, it can feel confusing when your teen seems to shut you out, ignore what you say, or worse. In some cases, you may even feel hurt as you watch your once affectionate child become distant. So - how can you actually talk with your teen? Read on to learn more.
Why Does Your Teen Shut You Out?
To effectively communicate, it’s important to first understand where your teen is coming from. When your child is younger, you’re their whole world. Slowly, their world expands - they get to know your family and friends. Then they go to school and make friends, but you’re still the one organizing the play dates and driving them around. You call all the shots - you’re at the center of their world.
When your child becomes a teenager, they make friends and find new freedoms. They begin to feel a sense of autonomy. Plus, they’re introduced to new opinions and thoughts. They have to start grappling with tough questions like, “Who am I?” Teens often feel like they need to create space from what they know - you - in order to create their own identity.
How to Talk to Your Teen
The shift into adolescence can feel really severe and challenging for you as a parent. In response to your teen shutting down, you might become overbearing. Or, perhaps you step away and try to give them their space. Either way, your teen likely doesn’t respond well. So - how can you actually get your teen to listen and talk to you?
1. Understand the Teen Brain
To talk with your teen, you need to understand what’s really going on inside them. Humans don’t have fully developed brains until about age 25. While you’ve likely given your teen lessons on logic and manners, their brain is still under construction. They don’t yet have the full capabilities that you do when it comes to impulse control and decision-making.
It’s also important to know that teens spend much of their time thinking with the parts of the brain that are responsible for emotions. There’s scientific fact behind the idea that teens are moody - they’re using those parts of their brain that focus on feeling rather than logic. With this knowledge, you can prepare yourself for irrational or impulsive behavior on their part.
2. Be Empathetic
Now that you understand the teenage brain and experience, you can speak with them more empathetically. You can express compassion for what they’re going through and ask them about their experience. If they don’t want to talk about it, you’ve still shown them that you’re there when they are ready.
It’s critical that you don’t try to fix their problems or act like you know what’s best. Give them space to figure it out themselves. Meanwhile, you can show that you’re there to listen and empathize. Though this may not prove immediately effective, over time, they’ll feel more comfortable coming to you knowing that you’re ready to lend a listening ear.
3. Zero in on Daily Conversations
Your everyday conversations are where you can really build a relationship with your teen. Although you’ve known them their entire life, they’re only just learning how to create intimate relationships. They’re also going through massive changes, so it can be comforting to talk about the boring daily things, like homework and hobbies.
When you show them that you take their interests seriously, you build that foundation of trust. You’re showing that you’re an ally. Over time, those daily conversations can lead to more serious talks. You can find evidence of this in your own life - any of your closest friends likely got to know you through surface-level talk before you both felt safe to open up and get deeper. The same can be said with your teen.
On a similar note, it’s important for you to model sharing. Talk to your teen, tell them about the everyday things going on in your own life. You don’t have to get deep - just share a funny story about what happened at work or a fun new aspect you learned about your favorite hobby. People tend to mirror each other, so when you share, they’ll share.
4. Listen Rather than Preach
As an adult with lived experiences, it can be hard not to lecture your kids. You want to help them avoid mistakes you made. Still, imagine someone telling you that you’re wrong - that you should live your life the way they say. You probably wouldn’t listen, right?
Research shows that listening with an accepting ear (rather than asking specific questions or criticizing) encourages adolescents to talk more openly. Give your teen the space to talk once they get going. Listen, acknowledge what they’re saying, and clarify points by repeating what you hear.
5. Pick Your Battles
Imagine that there’s someone constantly telling you that you need to change your behavior or you’re not good enough. You’d probably avoid them or argue with them, right? When you’re constantly telling your teen to sit up straight, change their outfit, wake up on time, and answer your calls, they might feel like you’re nitpicking everything about them.
It’s important to pick your battles wisely so that you don’t drive your teen away. When you want to correct your teen, ask yourself - is it truly necessary to make this an issue? Or am I just trying to assert dominance and gain control?
Remember, your teen is looking for more independence and autonomy. Giving them the ability to control their choices that don’t affect their safety or welfare can help you avoid unnecessary power struggles. You can say that you don’t love their choices, but also be sure to let them know you respect that they are their choices. This way, when you do have a real issue that needs to be addressed, it will be more about the issue at hand rather than who’s in control.
Speaking with your teen is easier said than done. It takes time to build your relationship and allowing them to make their own choices can feel painful. Knowing which problems to bring up and which to let slide can be complex.
It can help to talk to a third party for an impartial outside opinion - especially in a therapy setting with a trained expert. If you need help, I'm here for you. Check out my therapy services here.
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Dr. Zairys Feliz, Ph.D., LCSW is a clinical psychotherapist. Zairys provides individual, couples and sex therapy using evidence-based approaches. She specializes in treating individuals and couples who have relationship or sexual concerns. Read full bio