How to Co-Parent with a Narcissist
Co-parenting with an ex-partner can be incredibly difficult, even if you’re on good terms with each other. If your ex-partner is a narcissist, you’ll face an entirely different set of challenges. Narcissists demand control, and they often use unfair tactics to get it, like gaslighting, manipulating, shaming, and destabilizing.
These mental games can make it feel impossible to co-parent with a narcissist. However, if you have a child with this type of person, it may be necessary to find ways to work together for the happiness of your shared child. Although extremely difficult, it is possible. We’ll discuss the challenges you’ll likely face and strategies to help below.
Challenges of Co-Parenting with Narcissists
Co-parenting has been used to describe a number of parenting situations. Today it usually refers to how two people work together to parent shared children after divorce.
With this agreement, the parents collaborate to ensure that the child or children get the care and support they need. It involves sharing responsibilities so that the child’s needs, schedule, schooling, appointments, and other engagements are met. This type of relationship typically means that each parent respects the other as a separate authority and entity while working together toward the common goal of caring for the child.
Unfortunately, the very nature of a narcissist makes this kind of collaborative relationship extremely difficult. Boundaries are a major part of co-parenting, and narcissists are often unable to respect boundaries since they take away narcissists' control. That means narcissists may ignore boundaries when they interfere with your time with your child, impede upon your decision-making as it relates to the child, or try to interject themselves into your personal life as you try to move on with dating new people.
Here are some examples of ways a narcissist may try to control and complicate the way you co-parent:
● Excessively texting or calling (you or the child) during your designated time with the child.
● Being late or not showing up at all when it’s time to transfer the child to your care.
● Changing the child’s schedule or their own schedule without consulting you, then forcing you to accommodate the change.
● Claiming that you said something that you didn’t say.
● Ignoring custody rules.
● Spreading lies or rumors about you or your support system.
● Threatening to hurt you financially.
Strategies to Co-Parent with a Narcissist
1. Set Boundaries with a Shared Plan
If you’ve tried to make a relationship with a narcissist work, you likely know how difficult it is to set and maintain boundaries with them. However, having a written plan can help you start on a level playing field and resolve disputes as they come up in the future.
It’s best to create a co-parenting plan together, allowing the narcissist to feel as if they’re in control so they’ll cooperate as much as possible. Make sure the plan is highly detailed, covering everything from communication to schedules. Consider sharing the plan with your child or children, as they should also have an understanding of what to expect.
2. Get Legal Protections
The narcissistic co-parent will likely try to override boundaries and assume control. This is why it’s so important to have a legally binding custody agreement to fall back on. A legal custody agreement will help you maintain your fair share of custody and your rights as a parent, as well as limit the ways in which your ex-partner can manipulate you or the situation.
On a similar note, be sure that your custody agreement is as detailed as possible. Read through it with the help of your lawyer for any gray areas that your ex-partner may try to twist in their favor.
3. Communicate via Written Word
Narcissists are known for manipulating and gaslighting others to get what they want. For example, they might say that you verbally agreed to give up your weekend with the child.
You can limit opportunities for this kind of behavior by keeping all communication with the ex-partner in written format. Whether that’s text, email, or physical written notes, this type of communication supports you with hard facts and stops your ex-partner from being able to bend the things you say.
4. Avoid Arguments
Narcissists try to gain control by playing with your emotions. They want to get a reaction from you - in fact, they tend to thrive on confrontation. When you feed into their attempts to argue, you’re effectively giving them control and letting them win. Alternatively, when you maintain a cool and calm attitude, you diffuse the situation and maintain your control. Plus, when you avoid arguments, you also protect your child from conflict.
This is easier said than done, as narcissists will use any means necessary to emotionally upset you. In tough situations, remind yourself that all communication with your ex-partner is centered around the well-being of your child. If you feel like you’re going to lose your temper with the narcissist, ask yourself if doing so would benefit your child. You’ll likely find that the answer is no, which can help you regain your composure.
5. Find a Strong Support System
Your friends and family will be critical for your success in this situation. When your narcissistic ex-partner is doing their best to make you question your reality, lean on your support system to ground you and remind you what’s real.
Likewise, if you have the financial means, a solid professional support system can also be incredibly useful. A trustworthy lawyer can put a boundary between yourself and the narcissist. Meanwhile, a knowledgeable therapist can offer guidance as you create a plan and navigate daily challenges.
Co-parenting with a narcissist isn’t easy, but it may be your only choice if you’re required to share custody. By putting the above tools into place, you can make the situation easier for yourself and your child.
Looking for professional support as you co-parent with a narcissist? We can help. Book a free 15-minute consultation with Bloom Therapy today to get started.
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Dr. Zairys Feliz, Ph.D., LCSW is a clinical psychotherapist. Zairys provides individual, couples and sex therapy using evidence-based approaches. She specializes in treating individuals and couples who have relationship or sexual concerns. Read full bio