How to Banish a Scarcity Mindset With Self-Esteem for Dating Success
Do you find yourself speaking in extremes about dating? Whether you think that your ideal partner doesn’t exist or all the good ones are already married, this kind of thinking is the perfect example of a scarcity mindset.
With this mindset, you’ll likely remain single or feel stuck with people who aren’t right for you. Let’s discuss how to spot a scarcity mindset, what it does to your dating life, and how you can overcome it by building your self-esteem.
What Is a Scarcity Mindset?
When you have a scarcity mindset, you’re focused on the lack of something. That could be anything: money, job opportunities, food, time, or potential partners.
The problem with this type of mindset is that it makes your brain less efficient. You get tunnel vision and focus all your thoughts on whatever you believe is lacking, which eats away at your mental bandwidth. As a result, that brainpower can no longer be used to plan or solve your dating problem.
This can become a cycle. You’re preoccupied with the thing you lack. You have an ongoing brain power deficit due to your focus on the lack. You become too exhausted to do anything, which reinforces your inability to solve the problem at the heart of it all.
How Does a Scarcity Mindset Affect Dating?
The same thing described above can happen during dating. You believe there are no good people left. It’s all you think about as you swipe on dating apps. It’s all you see when you go on dates with people who aren’t the right fit. This eats up all your mental bandwidth for dating, which makes you feel unable to think beyond the issue and find a solution.
This can typically lead to a few different scenarios:
You reject all possibilities. No one is right for you. No one meets your standards. No one gets a chance or can get close to you.
You cling to potential partners. You feel there’s no one left, so you accept whatever you can get - even if that person doesn’t treat you with respect or love.
You give more than you get. When you do find someone interesting, you give more of your time or resources to keep them around - even if the other person isn’t meeting your effort level.
How to Address Your Scarcity Mindset in Dating
Scarcity is a mindset, which means we need to address the mind to overcome it. First, remember that scarcity is, at its core, fear. Ultimately, fear is really just telling us to pay attention to a given issue. Fear is not necessarily a reflection of reality. Instead, it’s your brain and nervous system trying to keep you safe. So, when you notice thoughts of scarcity coming up, know that they aren’t necessarily true.
This mindset swap takes time and can be easier said than done. That said, it can also be helpful to focus on more tangible ways to reduce your scarcity mindset: building self-esteem and self-worth.
How Self-Esteem Helps With Scarcity Mindsets in Dating
When you build yourself up, several things happen:
You redirect your focus to yourself, helping you break out of the toxic cycle of focusing on the lack of dating possibilities.
You realize your worth, which helps you avoid clinging to people and relationships who aren’t up to your standards.
Your confidence attracts more people, which gives you more possibilities.
By no longer spending all your energy on thinking about what’s lacking, you’ll feel better and have more energy for what matters.
How to Build Self-Esteem and Self-Worth
There are many ways to boost your confidence, which means some solutions will be better for you than others. Here are a few ways to get started:
Create a self-love list. Make a running list of the positive things about yourself. They can be simple. For example, “I am kind,” “I am a great tennis player,” or “I love trying new things.” Aim to add five new things per week.
Set boundaries. When you learn to say “no” and ask for what you want, you set boundaries with the people around you. This is one way to show respect for yourself and your needs, which builds self-esteem.
Focus on hobbies. Choose a new hobby or zero in on one that you’re already good at. This allows you to take the focus off of dating and boost your self-worth as you build skills.
Volunteer. Volunteering forces you to see outside of yourself. It helps you realize the scale of your problems, which usually seem bigger than they really are. Doing something for others can also boost your confidence and help you feel better overall.
Ultimately, try to remember that no one is perfect - including yourself. This will help you take the pressure off yourself and the people you meet, allowing you to give the dating process some slack. As you build confidence and self-esteem, you focus on what you can control (yourself), you realize your self-worth, you attract more of the right people, and you simply feel better.
We’re here to help you build the life you want. Choose a therapist and schedule a session today.
Sources:
Dr. Zairys Feliz, Ph.D., LCSW is a clinical psychotherapist. Zairys provides individual, couples and sex therapy using evidence-based approaches. She specializes in treating individuals and couples who have relationship or sexual concerns. Read full bio