Are You Avoiding or Resisting During Therapy? Here’s What to Do About It.
Deciding to start therapy and invest in your mental health is a huge step that you should feel proud to have made. But what happens when you are in therapy and struggle to do the work? For some people, this can show up as avoidance and resistance - avoiding sharing their struggles or resisting the techniques offered by their therapists.
Why do you make the effort to seek out therapy, only to resist or avoid it? What does it really mean about you? And, even more importantly, what can you do about it? We’ll discuss these questions below.
What Is Resistance During Therapy?
The concept of resistance during therapy is broad. It’s regarded as any behavior you take that stops therapeutic change. It appears as a conscious or unconscious unwillingness to grow. That might mean that you don’t want to try reshaping your thought patterns, no matter how your therapist tries to help you understand the benefits. Or, it could mean that you reject the techniques your therapist offers to help you cope with your circumstances.
Closely related to resistance is avoidance. Avoidance can be a tactic you use to resist therapy. For example, you might avoid talking about the trauma that’s causing you to spiral out of control. Or, you may avoid therapy sessions altogether by not showing up.
What does that really look like in practice? You might:
● Avoid talking during sessions.
● Cancel sessions.
● Make extensive small talk with your therapist to avoid deeper conversations.
● Skip the homework or suggestions your therapist makes.
● Keep having the same experiences over and over, and bring those experiences to discuss in therapy rather than getting to the root issue.
What Causes Resistance and Avoidance In Therapy?
Resistance and avoidance occur when you anticipate a negative outcome. In an attempt to limit or avoid the perceived threat or danger, you take on avoidant or resistant behavior. Put simply, it’s a defense mechanism meant to protect you.
The Defense Mechanism
Your understanding of what is threatening is completely unique to your experiences. If, in the past, you’ve found that talking about your problems makes them real, and that brings you pain, you may be avoiding it as a way to protect yourself. This could explain why you resist opening up in therapy.
Let’s look at another example - say you feel unfulfilled in your relationship. Your therapist suggests that you have a conversation with your partner to ask for what you need to feel fulfilled. No matter what you do, you can’t bring yourself to talk to your partner about this subject. You may be avoiding and resisting the conversation because you’ve expressed your needs to this partner or previous partners in the past, but they were unable to give you what you needed.
A Bid for Homeostasis
Avoidance and resistance are your way of keeping yourself safe. As a human, you’re always seeking homeostasis - that is, the tendency towards stability and balance. To give a simplified example, this desire for homeostasis is what drives you to put on a sweater when you’re cold or eat something when you’re hungry. Likewise, anytime you challenge your baseline, like by having a tough conversation, you threaten your homeostasis. It’s natural to want to avoid this, as seeking balance keeps you safe.
Ultimately, when you feel resistance, it’s because change is happening. You’re taking action to step away from your current circumstances, potentially putting yourself in “danger.” While that change may feel scary or induce anxiety, change is also necessary for you to create the life you desire. If you want to change your circumstances and change your life, you must take action and face the resistance that comes up.
4 Steps to Address Avoidance and Resistance During Therapy
You’ve already taken an important step by acknowledging that you’re resisting and avoiding therapy. Now, it’s time to make a mindset shift so you can move on from resistance. Since resistance and avoidance are rooted in the fear of danger, you must learn to focus on the practice rather than the outcome. Here’s how you can do that.
1. Acknowledge The Problem
With your therapist or writing on a piece of paper, determine what your frustration is with the behavior you’re exhibiting. What behavior is holding you back? It could be avoiding talking to your therapist, or it could be an action item you’re resisting, like a coping technique.
Let’s say that your therapist recommends that you have daily check-ins with your partner that go deeper than the typical “how was your day” conversations. You’re resisting these check-ins, even though you’re experiencing issues in your relationship because you feel disconnected from your partner. The first step is acknowledging why you’re avoiding the behavior and why you feel frustrated by the idea of doing it.
2. Turn the Problem Into Something Desirable
Now take a step back. What is the problem you want to address? What’s the desirable outcome you wish to get from taking action? Going back to our example, perhaps you wish to feel more connected with your partner so that you feel fulfilled in the relationship. Being fulfilled would allow you to get out of your rut, have more fun together, and connect physically again.
3. Translate Your Desires Into Actionable Behaviors
Thinking about that desirable wish, what specific behaviors do you need to complete to make the wish a reality? What has your therapist suggested? Can you break that down into smaller, more actionable steps?
In our example, you might introduce the idea of the check-in by sending your partner an article or a YouTube video about other couples who have a similar process that strengthens their relationship. You might float the idea over text message as an easier way to get started rather than a formal sit-down conversation.
4. Practice Those Behaviors Regularly
You’ll need to enact the new behaviors on a regular basis to see real benefits. As you slowly pick up small actions, those bigger actions can feel easier and you’ll build confidence. As you complete these new behaviors, your brain will start to see them as a new tool rather than a negative, potentially dangerous activity.
Going back to the example, perhaps you create a short list of questions for your daily check-in. You could buy a deck of cards with conversation prompts and pull one per day. You and your partner might choose to set a weekly date night that includes the check-in and a fun activity.
You can overcome resistance and avoidance. Recognize that this reaction is a natural self-defense mechanism, but allow yourself to move on from the behavior, too. That’s where real change and growth can happen.
Want assistance overcoming these issues? Bloom Therapy can help. Find a therapist, check out our services, and schedule a session today.
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Dr. Zairys Feliz, Ph.D., LCSW is a clinical psychotherapist. Zairys provides individual, couples and sex therapy using evidence-based approaches. She specializes in treating individuals and couples who have relationship or sexual concerns. Read full bio