5 Steps to Find Individuality within Your Relationship
It’s easy to lose yourself in a relationship. You may show up to your first date as the best version of yourself, ready to impress and entice the other person. As you grow closer to your partner, the lines between the two of you start to blur. You spend more time together than apart, you make decisions as a team, and you depend on each other to care for your physical, emotional, and mental needs.
By the time you’re months or years into the relationship, you may find yourself wondering where that “best version” person went. How did you go from being an independent single person to feeling like you’re one-half of a whole? As a matter of fact, you might be wondering where your partner’s individuality went, too.
When you’re falling in love, you can easily turn a blind eye to the ways in which you’re losing yourself to the relationship. However, maintaining independence and individuality is critical for a healthy, strong relationship. In this article, we’ll discuss why it’s so important and highlight the steps you can take right now to regain (or maintain) your individuality.
Why Is Individuality Important in Romance?
Generally speaking, when you first fall in love with your partner, you’re at your most individual and independent. You appreciate them for their unique traits and qualities. You see them as a completely separate individual, all while finding ways to connect and form a deep bond. Seeing and appreciating them for who they are is what allows you to fall in love.
Over time, you and your partner may start to function as a unit. In doing so, you both may give up elements of your identities. This is how you lose yourself without even realizing what’s happening. As time passes, you both forfeit the traits that made you fall in love to begin with.
This can make you feel disconnected from yourselves and each other. You may even set unreasonable expectations on how you should each act as you lean into a singular identity as a couple. This can lead to feelings of anger, guilt, and resentment as you lose the self-esteem and self-respect that autonomy provided for you.
As we can see, losing yourself in a relationship leads to a variety of negative results. When you maintain or regain your independence, though, you get a strong, healthy relationship. Autonomy and individuality can look and feel like:
● Collaborative problem-solving and decision-making.
● A mutual respect for each other’s unique feelings, needs, and independence.
● Authentic communication to settle conflicts.
● A natural give and take between both parties.
● Healthy boundaries, without manipulation or mind-reading.
● Feeling safe to be vulnerable and intimate.
● Feeling close to your partner without having your autonomy or security threatened.
How to Be an Independent Individual in Your Relationship
1. Shift Your Focus to Yourself
When you get into a relationship, the excitement about the other person or the relationship itself can take up all of your attention. That leaves little space for your own interests, habits, and personality traits. Your first step to regaining your individuality is to refocus on yourself.
That doesn’t mean you ignore your partner or your relationship. This step will actually allow you to show up as the best version of yourself for your partner. Plus, you’ll be better equipped to appreciate them for who they are, too. Take time to prioritize yourself, including your interests, hobbies, and self-care practices.
2. Determine Your Core Values
It may be hard to define who you are outside of your relationship if you’ve been in this pattern for a long time. In these cases, it can be helpful to reassess what activities, people, or things you value above all else. Then, you can use these values to guide your hobbies and actions, as well as help you understand what aspects of yourself you don’t want to lose sight of in the relationship.
For example, core values can include:
● Health and wellness
● Spirituality
● Friends and family
● Learning new things
● Self-development
● Community service
● Sustainability
3. Make a Safe Space for Communication
When you’ve lost independence in your relationship, you typically shut down at the first sign of conflict. Instead of disagreeing, you and your partner may do anything to smooth things over, causing you both to let go of your unique perspectives. While this might feel good in the moment, it doesn’t allow the space for either of you to show up as your authentic selves.
Aim to open up the conversation, making it a safe space for you each to share your needs, wants, and thoughts. Read more on how to effectively communicate, even in conflict, in my blog post here.
4. Discuss and Set Boundaries
Once you’ve established open communication, it’s time to create boundaries that will help you maintain your sense of self. Using the core values we discussed earlier, set some expectations.
What aspects of you make you feel like you? What are you unwilling to give up in order to maintain your autonomy and individuality? Let your partner know and explain why. Then, ask them to go through the same practice so you can both show up authentically while respecting each other.
5. Spend Time Apart
Schedule time to do things without your partner. Whether that’s time alone or time spent with friends and family, it’s healthy to take time away from your partner. This gives you a chance to do the things you find meaning in. Then, you can rejoin your partner, feeling refreshed and showing up as your genuine self.
If you need help navigating a complex relationship or changing ingrained thought patterns around relationships, it might be time to consider therapy. Read more about my individual therapy and couples therapy services. Or, book a free consultation today. I look forward to helping you.
Resources:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/compassion-matters/202010/how-go-all-in-in-your-relationship
https://www.masterclass.com/articles/how-to-be-independent-in-a-relationship
https://www.theknot.com/content/how-to-be-independent-in-a-relationship
https://www.psychalive.org/preserving-individuality-strengthen-relationship/
https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/be-independent-in-a-relationship/
Dr. Zairys Feliz, Ph.D., LCSW is a clinical psychotherapist. Zairys provides individual, couples and sex therapy using evidence-based approaches. She specializes in treating individuals and couples who have relationship or sexual concerns. Read full bio