Are You In Love or Attached? Four Ways to Tell the Difference
The heightened emotions you experience when you enter a relationship with another person can be overwhelming. You likely feel like you have undeniable chemistry - that you’re head over heels in love. However, when you take a closer look at your thoughts and feelings, you might find that you’re not actually in love - you’re strongly attached. So, how can you tell the difference between attachment and love? Shouldn’t you be attached to the person you're in love with? Let’s discuss.
What Is Love?
Love isn’t easily quantifiable, and people experience it differently, so it can be incredibly hard to define. However, we can confidently say that love is selfless - it’s about your partner rather than yourself. Love shows up in your feelings and actions toward another person.
We notice many signs of love. It can appear physiologically, like with a rapidly beating heart or clammy hands when in the presence of the person you love. It can also create a wide variety of feelings, from joy and excitement to stress and anxiety. It tends to change your behavior, often leading you to care for the person you love. It even changes the way you think, evoking consistent thoughts of your person and drawing your attention toward them.
In simple terms, we can describe love as a deep fondness for another person. It’s a sense of joy when you’re in their company. You likely feel a certain awareness of how you impact them with your words and behaviors, as well as a new sense of responsibility toward caring for their well-being.
What Is Attachment?
Although it might not seem like it on the surface, attachment is often selfish. It’s centered around your feelings of self-worth and safety as they relate to the person you’re attached to. Attachment has more to do with how another person fulfills your needs than how you feel and act toward them.
Attachment isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it simply refers to how you relate to the people in your life. There are four styles of attachment - anxious, anxious-avoidant, disorganized, and secure attachment. Your attachment style determines how you understand the relationships in your life, your behavior within them, and what you expect from them.
You can become attached to someone simply because they meet your needs - perhaps they provide validation or encouragement. You don’t necessarily love the person, though it might feel like it. You actually love what they’re giving to you by filling gaps in your life.
Are You In Love or Attached?
So - how can you actually tell if you’re attached or in love? Try evaluating your relationship in the context of the following prompts.
Do You Have a Clear Sense of Self?
Couples often create a unified identity that’s made up of their shared interests, activities, and memories. This is part of falling in love and coming together with another person. However, each person should maintain their own sense of self outside of the relationship because space and time apart are necessary for true enjoyment and appreciation of the other’s company.
Thinking of your own relationship, do you still have your own identity outside of your relationship? Do you have goals and growth opportunities you’re working toward on your own? Then you’re likely in love. On the other hand, if you put the majority of your focus on the relationship or your partner, you might be attached.
How Do You Feel When You’re Not With Your Partner?
Having your own sense of identity outside of the relationship should foster feelings of happiness and safety when you’re not with your partner. You should still feel like a whole person when you’re not with your partner. This shows a sense of healthy love rather than attachment.
On the other hand, if you feel nervous, upset, or anxious when you’re not with your partner, you might be attached. Trust is foundational for love. If you don’t trust your partner or if you want to control their behavior when they’re away from you, it’s likely a sign of attachment. You might do this because you fear being abandoned or losing the person who provides you with validation - not because you love them.
How Much Effort Are You Putting into the Relationship?
Love makes you want to care for your partner and vice versa. It requires a healthy give-and-take in which you both care for each other’s needs and desires. Since you both want to make the other happy, your level of effort should generally align, within reason.
If you find that you’re putting in more action than your partner, and they take and take without giving back to you, it could be a sign of unhealthy attachment. Likewise, if your partner consistently cares for your needs and wants and you don't reciprocate, you may simply be attached rather than in love.
How Does Your Partner Impact Your Mood?
The treatment you receive from your partner matters and will have an effect on your overall well-being and mood whether you’re in love or attached. However, if you’re attached to someone and you don't receive the treatment you want and need, it can create extreme changes in your mood. This goes back to the concept of being your own person - being able to fulfill your own needs outside of the relationship. If you depend on your partner to fill those needs and they fail to, it can completely ruin your day. In this scenario, you might simply be attached - not in love.
Relationships are complex. You might feel a combination of attachment and love for your partner. You might have an unhealthy attachment style that’s impacting your relationship or your own well-being. Whatever the case, talking to a therapist can help you sort through your feelings and create new, healthier behaviors. Check out my services for both individual therapy and couples therapy to get started today.
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Dr. Zairys Feliz, Ph.D., LCSW is a clinical psychotherapist. Zairys provides individual, couples and sex therapy using evidence-based approaches. She specializes in treating individuals and couples who have relationship or sexual concerns. Read full bio