How Anxiety Mimics Arousal & What You Can Do To Better Understand Yourself
Anxiety is a key human emotion - it’s what helps us prevent and avoid getting into hazardous situations. You might think that anxiety and arousal are completely separate - one is an emotion that warns us of impending danger, the other is a physiological and psychological state that tells us that it’s time to have sex. For some people, anxious feelings can impair sexual arousal and turn them off. For others, feeling anxious can actually mimic the feeling of arousal. In the latter case, it can feel concerning and confusing. Understanding your deeper underlying emotions can help you either accept your sexuality for what it is, or learn to break the cycle if need be.
The Dual Control Model
To understand this phenomenon, we must first understand arousal. The Dual Control Model of Sexual Response explains that people have two factors that control their arousal levels: the Sexual Inhibition System (SIS) and the Sexual Excitation System (SES). The SIS wants you to be disinterested in sex and drives arousal down. Meanwhile, the SES wants you to have sex and drives arousal up.
This system is how we know when it is appropriate to want sex, and when it is not. For example, your SES might be triggered when you see your partner wearing your favorite shirt. Meanwhile, you SIS might tell you it’s not time to have sex because your kids are in the next room over.
Everyone’s SIS and SES operate differently. Some people have a very sensitive SIS, making it harder for them to get aroused. For example, something as small as bad breath could trigger your SIS and completely turn you off. Likewise, other people might have a very sensitive SES, making them get aroused very easily. For them, making eye contact with their partner could turn them on just as much as something more blatantly sexual.
The SIS and SES can be triggered by external and internal factors. In other words, what’s happening around you might make you aroused, but your emotions and thoughts have equal power. This is where anxiety comes into play. For some people, stress and anxiety are a turn off. Other people might find themselves aroused as a result of these emotions. The level of anxiety also matters - sometimes a little stress can increase excitement, while a lot of stress can kill the mood. In fact, in one study from the Kinsey Institute, 21% of heterosexual people and 24% of gay men reported that anxiety increased feelings of sexual desire.
How to Know If You’re Confusing Anxiety for Arousal
Research shows that there’s a 50% overlap between how turned on a man is and how erect his penis is. Meanwhile, there’s only a 10% overlap between how aroused a woman is and what’s actually happening with her vagina. This tells us that, even if you are feeling signs of arousal in your genitals, you may not actually be aroused. Your genitals respond only to what is sexually relevant - not necessarily what you value or want.
So, how do you know if you’re truly aroused or actually just anxious? First, make an effort to notice when you feel aroused. Remember that, just because your body is giving you signs of arousal doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re sexually aroused. Try to figure out what triggered the sense of arousal. Were there any of the usual events that precede sex for you? Were there external factors? If not, reflect internally. What thoughts brought about the arousal? What are the emotions behind those thoughts? Thinking backward can help you get to the root of the feeling.
You should also take time to consider any big events in your life - deadlines at work, changes in home life, transitional states of life. This can help you determine if you’re dealing with ongoing stressors that could cause an elevated state of anxiety. Looking at your answers to the above questions, determine whether the triggers were related to sex. This will help you determine what you’re actually feeling.
It’s important to note that you could be experiencing both feelings. In the Kinsey study mentioned earlier, those who were more aroused when experiencing anxiousness also said that the anxiety increased their attention to sexual cues. In other words, it may not be the anxiety that triggers arousal - instead, the feelings of stress make you more observant of sexual cues, which then can trigger your SES.
What To Do Next
What do you do once you determine that you’re mistaking anxiety for arousal? First, it’s important to know that neither of these are bad emotions. What matters most is what you’re comfortable with. Are you comfortable partaking in intimate activities, with a partner or solo, as a result of what’s causing you anxiety? For example, if a hard day at work leaves you feeling stressed and anxious, and you want to have sex as a result - do you feel comfortable with using sex as a coping mechanism? If you’re okay with that, then it’s time to accept this fact about yourself. Sex can help reduce feelings of anxiety and help ground you in the moment, which could be a healthy way to let off some steam.
However, you might feel a sense of shame, guilt, or even more anxiety as a result of these situations. For example, perhaps your aging parent is facing a life-threatening condition, leaving you feeling helpless and anxious about the future. That anxiety might feel like arousal, and you might turn to sex as a way to deal with those feelings. You might feel ashamed that your response isn’t “correct” for the situation you’re in. Perhaps you seek out sex and then feel more shame and guilt. If this sounds familiar, it’s time to break the cycle.
First, acknowledge when you’re feeling aroused. Then, note what makes you feel that way. Be sure to consider what’s happening around you, what emotions you’re feeling, and what thoughts are running through your head. Then, take note of what signs of arousal you’re experiencing. Are you physically aroused or just mentally? Although it can take some time, taking an inventory of what happens each time you experience arousal can help you identify what’s actually causing you to feel the way you do. From there, you can deal with the triggers directly, rather than engaging in intimate activities that bring on feelings of guilt. When you deal with the root of the issue, you’re able to break the cycle altogether.
Ultimately, anxiety and arousal are normal human feelings. If you find that the two are interchangeable or intertwined, know that you’re not alone. Many people feel the same way. What’s most important is that you take time to do the internal work to understand the root cause of your feelings. Then, you must act in accordance with what you’re comfortable with.
If you find it difficult to work through these complex emotions on your own, schedule a session with me. I’m here to help!
Resources:
https://kinseyinstitute.org/pdf/Janssen_Bancroft_2006.pdf
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/labs/pmc/articles/PMC2857771/
https://www.psychiatrictimes.com/view/relationship-between-anxiety-disorders-and-sexual-dysfunction
https://www.uncoveringintimacy.com/dual-control-model-sometimes-cant-get-mood-sex/
https://www.madeofmillions.com/articles/whats-going-ocd-arousal
Dr. Zairys Feliz, Ph.D., LCSW is a clinical psychotherapist. Zairys provides individual, couples and sex therapy using evidence-based approaches. She specializes in treating individuals and couples who have relationship or sexual concerns. Read full bio