Are You Parenting Your Partner? How to Create Healthy Roles in Your Relationship
Have you ever felt like you’re responsible for every little thing in your relationship? Whether it’s ensuring the dishwasher gets started, the bills are paid, or your travel plans are booked, all of the decision-making falls on your shoulders. Your once amazing relationship has been reduced to interactions in which you feel more like a parent than a partner.
Or, perhaps you’ve been on the opposite side of this relationship. You may feel like you have no power - your partner lords over every decision there is to make. When you do try to do anything, they question your choices or tell you you’re doing it wrong. Frustrated, you act out with passive aggression.
If these scenarios sound familiar, you’re likely experiencing a parent-child relationship, in which one partner assumes the role of the parent, while the other takes on the role of the child. People tend to take on these positions subconsciously. They may not even notice the issues arising in the relationship until they become serious - like a lack of sexual desire.
So, what occurs in these parent-child relationships? How can you end up in them? Most importantly, how can you reshape the relationship into a healthier partnership? Let’s discuss.
The Negative Effects of a Parent-Child Relationship
The parent-child relationship doesn’t benefit either party. Although you may start picking up these tendencies for good reasons, like helping your partner achieve a goal, they ultimately have a negative effect.
For the partner taking on the role of the parent, the added pressure of maintaining another person’s life can be quite burdensome. It can feel overwhelming and stressful to feel responsible for someone else. It can also feel incredibly frustrating to perceive the other person as incapable of or unwilling to meet their own responsibilities.
On the other hand, the partner who takes on the role of the child typically feels like their rights are being stripped away. They no longer feel as though they are entitled or privileged enough to make decisions and maintain responsibilities. They may feel this way because the other partner is completely taking over their responsibilities or decision-making. Or, they may feel like this when the other person doesn’t support or enforce their rights.
Ultimately, both partners will likely find that their sex drive is also affected. No one wants to have sex with their parent, and no one wants to have sex with their child, either. Additionally, if you’re putting all of your focus on helping your partner improve and grow, you’re burning all your energy trying to support them. Meanwhile, they’re thinking that they survived just fine before they met you and that they never asked for help in the first place. This can lead to resentment, frustration, and exhaustion on both sides, which completely kills the mood.
Why Do We Enter Parent-Child Relationships?
There are many potential reasons you may slip into this behavior pattern. It’s important to keep in mind that everyone enters relationships with a set of values and perspectives that come from their own upbringing and previous experiences. When you start a new relationship, the way you show up will be a result of your past.
With that in mind, here are a few reasons you might try to parent your partner:
It’s safer to focus on someone else rather than yourself because there are things about yourself or your past that you haven’t yet processed.
Your parents were in a parent-child relationship and modeled that behavior to you during your childhood.
Your partner’s way of life is so different from your own that it causes you to feel distressed. As a way to make yourself feel better, you try to “help” or “train” them to do things the “right” way.
You may take on the role of a child in your relationship if:
You weren’t taught how to make a home for yourself as a child.
You recognize that the things your partner is coaching you on are important to them, and you want to follow their instructions to make them happy and gain approval.
Your parents modeled a parent-child relationship while you were a child learning what a healthy relationship is.
How to Create Healthy Partner Roles
1. Reflect on the Relationship
Remind yourself why you entered this relationship in the first place. Why do you love your partner? What do you have in common? Remind yourself of the important aspects of your relationship so you can stop focusing on all the things they do wrong.
2. Communicate
Your partner likely knows you’re having issues, but they may not know how to define what’s going on. Talk to them about how you’re feeling. Explain how it's affecting you and how you see it affecting the relationship. Let them know that you want to reestablish your roles as equal partners and discuss how each of you thinks that should look.
3. Refocus
With that conversation done, be sure to refocus your energy - the majority of which should be on yourself. Rather than zeroing in on your partner’s habits, explore your own. Allowing yourself to reassign that energy to yourself rather than just completely letting go of control can make this an easier transition.
4. Become a Team
Remember that, as equal partners, you and your beau are on a team. You need to act like it. Support each other where necessary, but also allow the other to make decisions and take action for the good of the team. Take time to discuss boundaries, designate responsibilities, and set expectations in a way that you both feel is equal.
In order to experience true change, each person needs to address the issue and make a conscious effort to be a partner in the relationship - not a parent or child. This is easier said than done, so you may consider working with a couples therapist to sort through these adjustments.
As a licensed clinical social worker, I can help you identify patterns, challenge limiting beliefs, set boundaries, and communicate. I specialize in both couples and sex therapy, so I'm specifically trained to help you address the unique challenges you’re facing. You can schedule a session with me here. I look forward to helping you!
Sources
Dr. Zairys Feliz, Ph.D., LCSW is a clinical psychotherapist. Zairys provides individual, couples and sex therapy using evidence-based approaches. She specializes in treating individuals and couples who have relationship or sexual concerns. Read full bio