The Best Way to Find Out What You’re Into In Bed
As you grow up, it’s fairly common to fantasize and imagine what your first time having sex will be like. But what happens after that first sexual experience? Sex requires exploration and practice to figure out what you actually like or don’t like. Yet we don’t often discuss this process.
If you aren’t sure what exactly turns you on, you’re not alone. Many people never give themselves the chance to investigate this topic. Perhaps you’ve had just one partner - or maybe, you tend to stick to the same routine because it’s familiar. Either way, it’s never too late to start exploring.
It can be hard to know where to start. Although it might seem overwhelming, the process is actually much simpler than you might think. Here’s exactly how to find out what you’re into in bed.
How to Figure Out Your Sexual Interests
First, make a list of all the things you want to try. If you have a partner and feel comfortable, you can open up the conversation with them. Be clear on your boundaries. If they suggest something that immediately feels wrong, you can say no. On the other hand, your partner may want to try things that you don’t feel strongly about one way or the other. Aim to be open-minded - you may be surprised by what turns you on once you’re in the act.
If you have a hard time setting boundaries, you can also use an online quiz with your partner. For example, MojoUpgrade is a free resource. You and your partner separately answer the same set of questions about what sexual things you want to try. Then, the website shows you only the areas you matched on. Even if you don’t have a partner, this list can give you some ideas if you aren’t sure what sensual and sexual things you’d like to try.
As you make your list, try to let your assumptions go. What turns you on could be completely different from what your friends, media, and society have told you “should” turn you on. Although no one may have told you what to like directly, we’re constantly surrounded by a certain idea of sex. We’re fed a very specific idea of sex through advertising, movies, TV, and books. This can lead to a lot of unrealistic expectations that are completely separate from your true desires. So, as you make your list, give yourself a judgment-free space to accept your unique turn-ons.
Let Yourself Explore
Once you have your list, it’s time to start practicing. To get warmed up, try exploring your body on your own first. If you’ve never done this before, it can feel a bit weird - but pushing through those nerves can help you relax and enjoy sex. So, get some time alone in a place where you feel safe and comfortable. Turn on some music, get naked, and let your hands explore your body. Don’t just focus on your genitals - try out all the sensitive areas of the body. You can explore your neck, ears, nipples, insides of your thighs, and more. If there are any solo play items on your list, try them out. You can even practice some partnered things on your own if you’re feeling nervous. For example, you might do some dirty talking or role-playing while you touch yourself. You can also use toys and practice many forms of solo play.
After you’re feeling more comfortable in your own skin, you can start working on that list with your partner. Be sure to open up a safe line of communication before and after you try things. You should be able to tell them when you want to stop, and vice versa. You can also come up with predetermined safe words that either of you can say. Have one for when you’re getting close to a boundary and want to slow down, and another that signifies a hard stop.
As you work through the list, remember that you may enjoy some things right away while others could be iffy. In this case, give yourself more than one try. It takes practice to nail down a new skill, whether that’s dirty talk or a sexual position. Each time you try something, ask yourself what exactly you liked or didn’t like about it.
Again, try to separate what your friends, family, or society might think. You may still subconsciously hold onto the ideas about sex that have been given to you by others without realizing it. If you don’t like something simply because it’s “wrong” to like it, you’re likely allowing the opinions of others to shape your experience. Try to push past that and focus on how it felt. Was it a pleasant or unpleasant feeling? Was it exciting or intriguing? Explore that.
Keep Going
Over time, you can decide what to put into your regular sexual rotation and what you don’t want to try again. Even once you’ve completed your list, your journey is never really over. You may have opened the door for other new things to try while exploring something on the list. Give yourself the space to try new things without judgment as they arise.
As you try new things with yourself or a partner, be sure to practice aftercare. This is a process of caring for yourself or your partner after sex. With a partner, that could be talking about the sexual experience, or it could be showering together. It can be cuddling, reading together, or eating together - it’s whatever makes you feel close and comfortable. If you’re on your own, practice some self-care and do activities that make you feel safe and relaxed.
Ultimately, your sexual preferences are your own. Don’t let society, friends, media, or even your partner tell you what you like or don’t like. Although this is easier said than done, giving yourself a safe space to test the waters allows you to connect with yourself on a deeper level and fulfill your needs. If you need assistance on this journey, I can help. I offer both individual and couples sex therapy. Learn more here.
Resources:
Dr. Zairys Feliz, Ph.D., LCSW is a clinical psychotherapist. Zairys provides individual, couples and sex therapy using evidence-based approaches. She specializes in treating individuals and couples who have relationship or sexual concerns. Read full bio