How to Move On From the Hurt of a Past Relationship
Relationships are a vital part of life, but the end of a relationship can also cause more emotional hurt than we’re ready to deal with. In fact, the pain of a breakup is no joke - research shows that we feel emotional wounds in very similar ways that we feel physical wounds, sometimes even in the same part of the brain.
We typically struggle to get over a relationship for two reasons: we don’t want to move on, or we don’t know how. Either way, we end up in a feedback loop - you don’t want to move on so you keep rehashing the relationship, fantasizing about the good times, which makes you want to avoid moving on. You don’t know how to move on, so you get stuck in post-breakup pain and obsess over what went wrong, which then makes you feel like there’s no way to move on.
This is a normal issue and you’re not alone - but eventually, you need to find a way to heal the pain and advance in your life. Here’s how.
Stop Romanticizing the Relationship
After a breakup, especially if you didn’t initiate it, we tend to focus on the highlight reel. We remember only the good times and the best qualities of our partner. This turns into a sort of story that you tell yourself - you ruminate over the great experiences and tell yourself that the relationship was only happy. This often leads to making you feel worse, as you recognize the relationship as a missed opportunity - something that could have been.
To begin to heal, you need to notice the stories you’re telling yourself and give yourself a reality check. Romanticizing the relationship will make you feel worse and won’t allow you to move on. You must also acknowledge what went wrong - why did the relationship need to end? When you focus on the hardships of the relationship, you zero in on reasons you want to let it go. It can be helpful to sit down and write out the reasons why the relationship didn’t work.
Finally, it’s time to balance the two. What was the relationship really like - the good and the bad? By acknowledging the reality of the relationship, you can begin to accept it for what it was, accept why it needed to end, and accept that it is, in fact, over.
Limit Contact and Conversation
While the emotional work is incredibly important, it’s also necessary to match your outer work to the inner work. If you’re constantly texting with your ex or talking about them to anyone that will listen, you’re preventing yourself from healing. You must cut off or limit contact with your ex. If you don’t, you may find yourself secretly hoping to recover the relationship - or giving them that hope.
Of course, it’s important to hash out your feelings about the breakup with your inner circle - getting these feelings off your chest is healthy. But there comes a point where talking about your ex becomes detrimental to healing. Be cognizant of that.
Focus On Yourself - But Don’t Get Stuck in Recovery
The exciting thing about being single is that you get to be selfish - it’s time to focus on yourself. Right after a breakup, start with basic care: Get enough rest, eat healthy foods, and try to get some movement in. When you’re ready, pick up old hobbies or try new ones. See friends and family. This process will boost your self-esteem and remind you that you can successfully be alone.
However, be sure not to get stuck in recovery. Sometimes, this phase can look more like building up walls rather than building up yourself. Don’t rush another relationship, but be mindful of the difference between caring for yourself and avoiding others.
Let Go and Prepare for Your Dating Future
Once you’ve worked through the emotions, accepted the relationship for what it is, and found the space to focus on yourself, you can begin to let go of the relationship. It’s important that you let go - only then will you be ready to move on and begin dating. You can facilitate this by making a list of what you do and don’t want in a future relationship. What do you really want from dating? How will your behavior be different? How will your future partner act? What traits will they have?
Getting over the hurt of a relationship and getting back into dating is no easy feat. Having an outside perspective to talk through your feelings and hold you accountable for change can be a game-changer. If you need guidance, don’t hesitate to book a session with me. I’m here to help.
Resources:
https://aliciaclarkpsyd.com/heartbroken-after-a-break-up/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-couch/201411/6-steps-treating-the-pain-breakup
https://www.everydayhealth.com/emotional-health/how-move-on-10-steps-closure-after-you-break-up/
Dr. Zairys Feliz, Ph.D., LCSW is a clinical psychotherapist. Zairys provides individual, couples and sex therapy using evidence-based approaches. She specializes in treating individuals and couples who have relationship or sexual concerns. Read full bio