Why Do Couples Break Up At Three, Seven, or 11 Years?
The longer you spend with your partner, the less likely you are to break up. According to one longitudinal study, there’s a 10% drop in the likelihood of a breakup for every year you’re together beyond the 5-year point. Married couples have an even lower likelihood of splitting. That makes sense since the longer you’re with someone, the more challenges you face and overcome together, creating a stronger bond.
So, why do we see a consistent pattern of couples breaking up at the three, seven, and 11-year markers? With all that time invested to overcome hurdles, why end things? While every relationship is different, there are some common themes we can point out.
Why Do Couples Break Up After Three Years?
Although three years may seem like a long period of time, it’s actually fairly short in the world of relationships. At this point, the honeymoon stage has fizzled out and you’re left with the reality of who your partner is. You and your partner have likely also faced conflicts.
The way you deal with these disputes is critical. Couples who fail to find a constructive way to resolve the conflict together often break up at this point. Why? Three years is just enough time for past conflicts and resentments to build up. If they’re left unresolved, it can feel like these issues overshadow everything else until someone takes action and ends the relationship.
Why Do Couples Break Up After Seven Years?
By the seventh year of a relationship, there’s often a sense of staleness. You and your partner have already passed big milestones together and gone through conflict. You’ve also gotten completely comfortable with each other. You’re not trying to impress each other. You’re complacent.
While you aren’t growing as a couple, you and your partner are likely growing as individuals. That means you’ll likely notice your personal development and how much that differs from the stagnation of the relationship. This will likely leave you to wonder whether you’re growing with your partner or in different directions entirely.
If you and your partner can’t find a way to reconnect and revive interest in the relationship, you may call it quits. Or, if you don’t have the tools to communicate and figure out how to develop the relationship, you’ll continue growing in different directions until a breakup is the only logical outcome.
Why Do Couples Break Up After 11 Years?
Couples who make it through the stagnation of the seven-year itch can do so in a couple of ways. They either develop the tools necessary to communicate, spark interest, and further their growth - or, they continue on without doing the work. By the 11-year mark, however, it becomes very clear which couples have done the work, and which haven’t.
For most people, it’s only possible to ignore the lack of growth for so long. If you find yourself in a relationship like this, you likely begin to notice that your bond with your partner has weakened over time.
This is because your connection to your partner typically grows as you overcome challenges together. If you simply avoid and ignore issues, that key growth doesn’t occur. You don’t develop tools together. After 11 years in, many couples find that their relationship has deteriorated and they can no longer ignore it - leading to a breakup.
The Real Cause of Breakups
At the end of the day, breakups at three, seven, and 11 years are almost always the result of the same thing: a lack of tools. Each stage presents different challenges that require different tools. It’s the willingness of each party in a relationship to work together that truly determines the health of your relationship.
Without this, you may never learn to resolve conflict - whether that’s an issue with your partner or an issue with the relationship as a whole. You may avoid breaking up and learn to disengage, ultimately becoming apathetic and going through the motions because you’re expected to - not because you want to. This only creates underlying issues that will eventually arise in some way.
While this is an unfortunate truth, there is good news: it’s almost always avoidable. As long as both parties in a relationship are willing to show up, communicate, and put in the work, it’s never too late to start developing the tools you need to create a thriving relationship.
Not sure where to start? Couples therapy can help you unravel your issues, demystify communication, and provide the techniques that can deliver big change. Read more about my couples therapy offering here.
Sources:
Dr. Zairys Feliz, Ph.D., LCSW is a clinical psychotherapist. Zairys provides individual, couples and sex therapy using evidence-based approaches. She specializes in treating individuals and couples who have relationship or sexual concerns. Read full bio