How to Have Better Arguments: Assessing the Desire to Be Right When Fighting With a Partner
Your partner is someone you love deeply. But if you’re like most people, this is also the person you argue with most. Many people enter arguments with the desire to show their partner their point of view, and ultimately to find that they’re the correct one in the dispute. After all, it’s human nature to believe that your opinion is correct.
But being “right” doesn’t necessarily mean a step forward for your relationship. In fact, sometimes insisting on being right can even be detrimental to the bond you share with your partner - especially if you’re willing to go to extreme lengths to prove your point. Plus, research from Dr. John Gottman shows that 69% of the time, couples argue about unsolvable perpetual problems. In other words, you’re unlikely to resolve the things you fight about most often, typically because of fundamental differences.
It can be hard to let go of right and wrong, but it can ultimately help strengthen your relationship. Here are some useful tips to help you argue more effectively with your partner.
Why Do I Always Have to Be Right?
There are a number of reasons that you feel the need to be “right” in an argument. On the surface level, the “right” person effectively wins the dispute. By being right, you come out on top. Plus, since it’s your side or opinion, you have a natural bias to evaluate facts, generate evidence, and test ideas in a way that agrees with your existing attitudes and beliefs.
There are deeper reasons, though, that we have such a strong attachment to being correct. Being wrong is associated with failure. Since failure usually leads to negative reactions (whether at work, at home, or in your childhood), it makes sense to try to avoid it at all costs.
Having a strong desire to be right can also be related to abandonment anxiety. It’s common to fear, whether consciously or unconsciously, that those closest to you will leave. If you have this fear of abandonment, you’ll often seek ways to avoid rejection, evade criticism, and find ways to please others. When you’re “right,” you feel like you’re avoiding the rejection and criticism that leads to abandonment.
It’s also worth noting that, before an argument, you typically wholeheartedly believe in your point of view. You expect others to accept it just as you do. When someone disagrees and disrupts your expectations, it can be hard to accept. We naturally want things to remain in our control and keep events as expected - when someone pushes back on your beliefs, it can feel like you’re losing control. On the flip side, maintaining your position of being right allows you to feel in control.
Thinking It Through
Sometimes, arguing with your partner can be stimulating and even exciting - especially if it’s about topics outside of your relationship, like world events or politics. However, excessive arguing, especially about issues within your relationship, can be damaging. It’s important to find a balance between protecting your beliefs and finding common ground. In some cases, it’s necessary to admit that you’re wrong.
While painful at first, being wrong can actually be a good thing. Think through the following questions to help you find better ways to argue with your partner.
● What would it mean to be wrong in an argument? Ask yourself if accepting being wrong hurts or helps you in any way. For example, it might hurt your ego, or it may help you by teaching you a valuable lesson.
● What would it mean to be right? Ask yourself what the consequence of being right is. Does it hurt or harm the relationship? What about your partner? Yourself? You may find that it boosts your ego but creates irreparable tension in the relationship.
● Would you rather win the battle and lose your partner? Ask yourself whether being right is worth the most extreme outcome. What would it take to get to that outcome? What lengths would you go to in order to win the argument?
● Did this ever happen in childhood? Think back to your childhood. Were there any situations in which you had to be right? Did your parents model this behavior?
The Real Purpose of Your Relationship
Breaking yourself of the habit of being right can be extremely difficult. It requires you to think outside of your own biases. It also forces you to accept that your partner’s point of view is valid - even if your own side still seems correct to you.
Ultimately, you must think about the purpose of your relationship. Your bond with your partner is not about winning or losing. Instead, it’s about choosing one another, growing together, appreciating each other, and so much more. When you commit to another person, you agree to enjoy life together, but to experience highs, you must also work through low points. Being in a relationship is about coming together to address problems. It’s not about deciding which partner is the problem or which is “wrong.”
Think about why you’re with your partner. What do you want out of your relationship? What do you want out of your partnership? Now, use that as fuel to encourage you to work together in arguments, rather than finding who is right or wrong.
Speaking with an unbiased third party can help you work through these reflections and learn to work through issues with your partner. Learn more about Bloom Therapy’s services here to get started.
Sources:
https://www.growingself.com/constantly-arguing-in-a-relationship-heres-how-to-stop/
https://www.talkspace.com/blog/how-to-stop-fighting-in-a-relationship/
https://anchorlighttherapy.com/how-often-do-couples-fight-in-a-healthy-relationship/
https://www.gottman.com/blog/managing-vs-resolving-conflict-relationships-blueprints-success/
Dr. Zairys Feliz, Ph.D., LCSW is a clinical psychotherapist. Zairys provides individual, couples and sex therapy using evidence-based approaches. She specializes in treating individuals and couples who have relationship or sexual concerns. Read full bio