Are You Having Spontaneous or Responsive Sex? Here’s How It’s Impacting Your Relationship
Most of us are taught that the desire to have sex is intrinsic - that we all just have a naturally low or high libido. A mismatch in sexual desire levels is also a prime reason that couples enter sex therapy. When one person feels like they must always initiate sex and the other never thinks about sex, it can create problematic ripples across the entire relationship. One person might feel undesired while the other feels broken, like something is wrong with them.
There’s actually much more to sexual urges - what we don’t often discuss is spontaneous and responsive sex. People feel desire differently - especially when comparing males to females. Here’s how it’s likely impacting your sex life.
How Does Sexual Desire Work?
To understand spontaneous and responsive sexual desire, we have to understand how we get turned on in the first place. There are two places that trigger the feeling: our bodies and our minds. Our bodies physically become aroused, and our brains mentally desire sex. The key lesson here is that these two areas work independently from one another.
Spontaneous sex is triggered by mental desire. Maybe you have a sexy thought or random mental urge, which leads you to physical arousal. On the flipside, responsive sex occurs when you experience physical arousal first. In this case, you’re turned on by an external factor, whether that’s your partner, your surroundings, or the situation you’re in. Only after physical arousal do you feel the mental desire to have sex.
Gender and Sexual Desire
As you might imagine, these differing sexual motivators have implications within relationships. About 75% of men experience primarily spontaneous desire, while only 15% of women feel this type of sexual motivation. Meanwhile, 30% of women and 5% of men report feeling primarily responsive desire.
It’s important to note that sexual identity and gender identity don’t always align. Sexuality and gender can both exist on a spectrum. However, there is enough statistical data that we can understand how sexual desire may impact male-female relationships. Still, regardless of your gender identity, it’s very possible that the way you get turned on is different than your partner.
There’s also a noticeable amount of women, and a small number of men, who don’t identify with spontaneous or responsive sexual desire. These people may be most influenced by contextual sexual desire - that is, when the circumstances impact their ability to experience sexual motivation. For example, if you’ve had a long stressful day at work, are worried about the kids in the other room, and haven’t washed your hair in a few days, sex may be the last thing you have in mind.
However, when you’re alone with your partner, you’re fresh out of the shower, and the kids are at your parents’ house, you might suddenly feel inclined. Regardless of your gender, most people tend to experience some contextual desire. It’s also important to keep in mind that contextual desire can feel spontaneous when you’re not aware of all the factors contributing to your mood.
Spontaneous and Responsive Sex in Real Life
Spontaneous sex is what we’re often shown in mainstream media. It’s what we’re socialized to believe is normal. However, the statistics show that plenty of people, and mostly women, need more than just a sexy thought to desire sex.
This is incredibly important to understand, as it can affect so many couples. Someone who experiences spontaneous desire may often find themselves initiating, leaving them feeling like they aren’t desired by their partner. Someone who experiences primarily responsive desire may feel like something is “wrong” with them because they don’t experience the spontaneous desire that society tells us is “normal.”
When you can discuss sexual desire openly and honestly with your partner, you can both feel more desirable. Working together, you can experience more of that lustful, sexual energy and meet each other’s needs.
If you need help finding that open communication, don’t hesitate to reach out. As a licensed psychotherapist and sex expert with almost 10 years of experience, I’ve helped clients just like you facilitate change and find happiness. Book an appointment today to get started.
Resources:
https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/when-urge-is-uneven-understanding-universe-of-sexual-desire-0206185
https://dame.com/spontaneous-versus-responsive-desire-blex/
https://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/a38269167/spontaneous-responsive-desire/
https://www.thecut.com/2018/04/the-misunderstood-science-of-sexual-desire.html
Dr. Zairys Feliz, Ph.D., LCSW is a clinical psychotherapist. Zairys provides individual, couples and sex therapy using evidence-based approaches. She specializes in treating individuals and couples who have relationship or sexual concerns. Read full bio