Nine Effective Communication Strategies for Couples in Conflict
Every relationship inevitably encounters conflict at one point or another. Whether it’s over something big or small, being able to communicate with your partner is key to overcoming these issues and moving forward. However, your differing personal backgrounds might hold you back from speaking effectively with each other. Here are some simple tools that can help you communicate successfully.
What Leads to Communication Issues?
We tend to learn communication skills from our parents. Around the age of two, we start practicing debate and persuasion skills that we will eventually use in arguments as we grow up. The way that our parents communicated with us plays a role in determining how these skills develop.
For example, if a child throws a tantrum and the parent gives in to avoid an even bigger blow up, the child learns that this behavior gets them what they want, and it may carry on in some form as they age. On the other hand, when parents ignore a child’s desires and opinions, the child will likely get the message that they shouldn’t voice their needs at all. This can often carry on into adulthood to some degree.
These are two extreme ends of the spectrum, and you may fall anywhere in the middle. Healthy communication involves more compromise. It’s diplomatic, allowing both sides to state their feelings and be heard. It also allows for more productive conversation that leads to change when needed.
Key Communication Strategies
1. Find a Neutral Place
If possible, it’s best for more serious conversations to take place in a neutral space. For example, talking about parenting responsibilities in bed is less conducive because the bedroom tends to be more emotionally charged. Instead, choose a neutral spot in your home, like the living room or kitchen. This allows both parties to be comfortable. Likewise, try to find a time that works for both parties, so neither of you are distracted by other commitments.
2. Listen and Make Eye Contact
Put down any distracting items, like phones or books, and give your partner your full attention. To show that you’re present and listening, use your body language. Lean in and avoid crossing your arms. It’s also important to make some eye contact so that they feel heard. Looking away excessively can signal fear, while intensely staring someone down can appear more aggressive. Find a neutral ground, but make it clear that you’re all ears.
3. Stay Focused
It’s easy to get carried away and bring up past issues, especially if they are seemingly related to your current conflict. Perhaps you have other issues that have been bothering you that you want to bring up so you can address everything at once. This method tends to make the entire discussion much more stressful and can even cover up the issue at hand. You’re less likely to find resolution this way. Instead, try to stay focused on the present issue.
4. Use “I” Statements
Sentiments that begin with “you” can come across as accusatory, making the other person defensive, which doesn’t lead to effective communication. Using “I” statements puts more emphasis on your feelings rather than laying blame. For example, instead of saying, “You were acting possessive,” you might say, “I felt really overwhelmed and uncomfortable when I got 10 calls from you.” This approach allows the other person to understand how you feel, rather than putting them on trial.
5. Understand Each Other’s Perspectives
This can be tough, especially in the heat of an argument. However, the point of communication is for both sides to be heard so you can come together and find a solution. To do so, you must listen to what your partner is saying and try to understand their point of view. If you want to interrupt, remember that you will have a turn to respond when your partner is done. You can also repeat what you’re hearing to make sure everything is clear. Say things like, “Just to make sure I understand, you’re saying…” This will show your partner just how much you care, while helping you empathize with what they’re feeling.
6. Take Responsibility
It’s often the case that both people share some responsibility in a conflict. Take personal responsibility for what’s yours. This can diffuse the situation, showing the other person that it’s a safe space to open up and acknowledge wrongdoing. It also shows maturity and can lead to mutual understanding and resolution.
7. Recognize When a Time-Out Is Needed
Some conflicts can become heated, and that anger can make communication more destructive. Recognize when a conversation is no longer constructive and take a step away to cool off. You might need to take an hour apart, or maybe you need to sleep on it. This time may even allow you or your partner to see things differently once your emotions have calmed down. The key to taking a time out is making sure to return to the conversation - don’t just sweep it under the rug.
8. Consider the Give and Take
It’s easy to become focused on what you want to take from a conversation, especially when there’s a conflict, but good relationships include both give and take. Focusing on what you can give can help you improve your ability to negotiate and shift your mindset to a more team-centered dynamic. What can you offer to yield better results for both parties? How can you personally positively contribute to the issue?
9. Suggest Solutions (But Don’t Push)
If the conflict requires solutions or there’s a problem you need to solve, offer your ideas and solutions. However, make sure that you don’t push your solutions onto the other person. Rather, phrase solutions in the form of questions to show that you’re open to other options. Say things like, “What if we did…” or “Perhaps we could try…. Does that line up with what you’re thinking?”
Ultimately, the key to healthy relationships is open, constantly flowing communication. Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it. If you and your partner struggle to find solutions or remain calm during conflicts, it might be time to get couples counseling. If you need help finding the right tools to resolve issues, don’t hesitate to schedule a session - I’m here to help.
Resources:
https://www.verywellmind.com/managing-conflict-in-relationships-communication-tips-3144967
https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/5-communication-skills-every-couple-should-develop-0125175
https://www.psychalive.org/top-10-effective-communication-techniques-couples/
Dr. Zairys Feliz, Ph.D., LCSW is a clinical psychotherapist. Zairys provides individual, couples and sex therapy using evidence-based approaches. She specializes in treating individuals and couples who have relationship or sexual concerns. Read full bio