How to Resume Sex After an Affair
There is no right or wrong way to respond sexually after an affair. For some, sex may become non-existent as you work through the emotions and revelations following infidelity. For others, sex may ramp up and even seem “better” after the affair. Thinking of resuming sex after an affair might make you feel intense longing or intense dread - or a mix of the two. In either case, it’s incredibly important that you and your partner work through the emotions and trauma following an affair in order to rebuild your connection, intimacy as a couple, and sexual wholeness on an individual level.
Why Sex is Key After an Affair
Physical intimacy is an important part of any romantic relationship. It’s something that you agree to share only with your partner, within the confines of what you’ve discussed you’re comfortable with. When the trust is broken due to an affair, sex might be the first or last thing to resume after the trauma. While there is no right time to resume sex, it can actually improve your healing journey.
At a time when communication is the most difficult - you may struggle to talk to your partner without shouting, or you may struggle to talk to them at all - sex can be a way to communicate. The body can express what you are struggling to say. Sex can symbolize love and commitment, empower you, energize you, and provide comfort that cannot be found elsewhere.
The Building Blocks of Rebuilding Intimacy
There are three key areas to start with as you consider resuming sex after an affair - the body, the heart, and the brain. The partner who had the affair may have contracted an STD, which they may have then passed on to the other partner. An STD may even be the reason that the affair came to light, which makes the experience more traumatic. STDs must be addressed before sex resumes.
The body can also react negatively to the stress of an affair. Intense stress can cause migraines, ulcers, lowered immunity to colds and flu, and intestinal problems. You may also experience the physical symptoms of an affair in the bedroom - a struggle to feel desire and arousal, or an inability to reach climax. You may even feel as though your senses are dulled and numb - a normal response to trauma. These effects can impact both parties. This is why it’s incredibly important to practice good self-care at this time. Prioritize sleep, nutrition, and movement - though these acts may feel harder than ever, they are key to setting the stage for healing. At this time, both partners should accommodate each other’s needs and communicate about how the body feels.
Each partner will also need to consider their heart and emotions. Both partners will need to receive and accept empathy. The partner who did not have the affair will often feel isolated and rejected - they’ve given themselves to another person completely, only to be betrayed when their partner looks outside of the relationship to fill their needs.
Even the partner who had the affair needs empathy, as they are likely also feeling brokenhearted. They may feel heartbreak about the damage they’ve done to their partner and their marriage. They are likely also feeling sadness about having to choose between the third party and their partner - they must reconcile with having lost the affair. Both partners may feel extreme feelings of fight or flight - wanting to fight hard for their marriage or wanting to flee and be free of the relationship. All of these feelings can impact sex life as you move on.
The brain must also heal by gaining a sense of justice as you resume sex. An apology may not feel like enough. The partner who was cheated on may feel like having sex would signal that everything is forgiven. The partner who had the affair may feel as though the other partner should apologize for things that led them to cheat. Religious beliefs can also come into play when determining fairness and justice. All of these aspects need to be discussed and addressed. Connecting with a neutral third party, like a therapist, can help you work through thoughts and emotions to build a solid foundation as you resume intimacy.
Creating Desire and Finding Common Ground
Once you’ve addressed the building blocks, you will find that you’re on a more even playing field. As you heal, there’s less focus on being victimized or punished - rather, no one is totally good or totally bad. As you offer forgiveness and empathy to each other, acknowledging that perhaps you’ve both made mistakes, you begin to regain your oneness as a couple. You’re one team fighting for the same thing, and finding exclusive physical intimacy is part of the foundation that you’re rebuilding together.
Even when you’ve reached this level, it might be difficult to feel desire and arousal. The key to desire is prioritization. Your partner is most likely to feel desire when they know that they are your absolute, number one priority. Some may make promises, offer gifts, and other over-the-top acts to show prioritization, but this can feel like manipulation. Instead, focus on eye contact and touch, with intense gaze coming first.
As Dr. John Gottman’s research shows, intimacy is the third phase of recovery from an affair, coming after building trust and a stronger relationship. Using sex to rebuild the relationship is the final stage, so know that you may need to be patient before you reach this level. You can start with simple elements of touch - hugging and kissing. Gottman has found that you must practice “turning towards” your partner - bidding for connection. This comes first as you rebuild trust and reestablish the relationship via conversion. Later, it becomes bids for physical touch, as well. Make a point of kissing in the morning and before bed, and go from there.
Setting New Routines
Sometimes, an affair can lead to “better” sex - more passion, more interest in trying new things, and more sex overall. Initially, this might be fueled by negative emotions - perhaps the person who was cheated on feels like they have to act this way so their partner doesn’t “need” to look elsewhere. This kind of intimacy is fueled by pain and leads to comparison.
With that said, once you’ve worked through the building blocks of reconnecting and finding common ground and desire, you can build a healthier sex life. Whether you react to the news of an affair by increasing sex or by withholding it, at this point in your healing journey it might be hard to have sex without intrusive thoughts of the third party. This is a chance to set new routines. You might choose to change your physical space, especially if the affair happened in your home and bedroom. Paint the walls, rearrange furniture, and get new sheets to create a new space that involves only the two of you.
Men might struggle with erectile dysfunction and women may struggle to get aroused or stay aroused. In both cases, there are plenty of ways to work through the issue. Make sure all distractions are removed - phones, work, chores, and caring for dependents. It may also be best to avoid toys at this time, as they can symbolize an unknown third party, thus bringing up feelings of trauma and intrusive thoughts. In the bedroom, it should feel as though you are the only two in the entire world.
Setting new sexual routines and rituals can help you move forward. Perhaps you light candles or read together to show your linked energy and commitment. Use physical touch as a way to communicate your love for the other through massage or cuddling - something that doesn’t feel like just a warm-up for the final sex act. Trying out new forms of genital touch and fantasy play - avoiding fantasies that involved more than two people - can be great ways to create new routines that belong only to the two of you.
Ultimately, there will likely be setbacks - you or your partner may suffer from warped perceptions or recurring thoughts about the third person. Forgiveness is hard to tackle, and agreeing to get therapy can be a battle in itself. However, when you agree that your shared objective is to rebuild the relationship and work through the building blocks - body, heart, and brain - you’ll set yourself up to create a strong foundation. Having open communication, finding space for physical touch, and setting new routines can restore healthy sex after an affair. These aspects will work together as you work toward intimacy together.
Need help navigating this complex time in your relationship? Schedule a session or a free 15-minute consultation - I’m here to help.
Resources:
https://judycares.com/articles/resuming-physical-intimacy-after-an-affair/
Dr. Zairys Feliz, Ph.D., LCSW is a clinical psychotherapist. Zairys provides individual, couples and sex therapy using evidence-based approaches. She specializes in treating individuals and couples who have relationship or sexual concerns. Read full bio